Stranger between Russians , stranger between Americans. Whenever I go, I'm the only one, the unique one, the stranger. Whenever I go I have an accent, whenever I go I feel inside of me. Although, i like them , and they like me,/ some of them even too much/ Russians are awesome, / for now/, Americans are O.K, I feel deep sadness today.
Everyday afraid that they could discover mine strangeness, and get rid of me, and leave me alone without any connection with the outside world, without any place I could go and feel that I belong there, that I have rights to be there, that I'm not a stranger.
I don't know what happened today, because nothing happened.
Yesterday had a rehersal, today first day of my internship at the Casting Agency. Everything was fine, but suddenly I feel so alone in the middle of the foreign land.
I can't go home this summer. I won't go home this summer. I can't. I don't know when I can go home. Even for a short one day. Even for a while. Why I can't go home.
I'm afraid. I have dreams, I'm afraid that when finally I will be able to go home, nobody will be there, that everything will fall apart, that everybody will be gone. Death. I'm afraid.
Since I'm here, my cat, my beloved cat died, my aunt died/ not my favourite one, though/, 2 days ago my favourite aunt went to the hospital.
I don't like it.
I'm afraid that I'm not nice enough for the people and they will leave me. That they will get rid of me. I'm afraid of that. Do I have obsessions?
I don't want to sit in the middle of this huge home , alone, without a place I could go, where everybody knows my name , where everybody knows something more than just my name.
Ok, maybe now I will feel a little better.