I'ts bright and everything is singing. I'm not sleeping, not sleeping, not sleeping at all. Everybody is talking about important issues. They are talking about very important issues. Very important issues are VERY important. But I , I'm just sitting, just sitting and looking at the courtain. That's vain. Tha't so vain. I piss on their important issues. Oh, I should not talk like that. I should be intelligent, smart, serious, serious, smart and intelligent. At leats pretend my dear, at lea...

Yes,yes, yes. Everything is changing face. Definite ending of pretending. For what. For whom. I'm growing, and don't care in which direction,in my direction.Only this is important and worth something, in my direction,doesn't matter, good or bad. Mine, mine. You can talk shit to me, whatever you want, you can restrain me, mentally, economically, emotionally, physically.I DON't care. Your power is over.Who are you.Who are you, I ask you, who are you. I have my soul, my brain, my will, mys...

I can't even think. I can't even think about it. I can't believe it. I have to make rituals to make it gone. 3 months passed. 3 months like 3 centuries. Everything has changed, everything has changed. The pain is like the air, it's normal. Something sweet and warm prevents me from sleeping. I can't sleep, I can't sleep without a word, without a word FROM YOU!. I don't know you, I don't know who you are, but you came and now you are living inside warm and sweet, like a vermin, like a worm. ...

I can't stop. I can't stop. I need it. My inner emptiness requires it. This is her fault. Only her. My emptiness. I don't believe in that, but I need it. This poison is my cure. I will give you my soul. Just look at me. Your body means nothing to me. I need you everywhere. You will never know about it , because it is a shame. My proper existence and my improper inner solitude. I am improper. I mean nothing to you and you will never know me. Nobody will never know me. I am quiet and fals...

I hate this week of disappointment. I hate this week of disappointment. I hate this week of disappointment. I hate this week of disappointment. I don't have any plans. I don't have any plans. Nobody between nothing. I need your bright soul. I need it. I need you. I shouldn't . Everything I shouldn't I need. I hate this week , I hate it. Think about me. Think about me. I am disappearing in the midle of my room. In the midle of my room ,on the peak of the night I. In the midle of my dis...

I need a soul.I need a second soul. I need a real soul.Soul which would can see me.Really see me.This is unreal.This is imposible forever. I don't have any illusion. My life is disillusion. I move in a blank space. But I'm waiting. I'm waiting all the time. I want to fall. I want to fall inside. I want to be in. But everything is imposible for somebody who is only in half. I will be walking through this city. I will be waiting for a word. I'm scared. I'm living on the edge of myself. I env...

Nobody is interested in me. Nobody. Fear and emptiness is sneaking toward my bed. Nobody is interested in me. What can I do? I feel as I'm disappearing. Why. What's wrong with me. What am I doing bad. What is bad in my head. I don't want to vanish. I don't want to.I need more. Help. Say something. Say something exactly to me

I finished with Diary of Malte.Now it will be me, only me. I fill lost. I'm completely lost in this city in this country. Every day I have dreams about my city, about my country. I'm dying inside.I have dreams about driving by old trains in my city, it was awesome.I have dreams about feeding my lovely cat. I 'm dreaming about old houses in my city, about old streets.This is me.This is only me. Nobody will understand it. Nobody can care about it. I'm completely lost in this city.In this l...

Ok, I'm at last again. I'm- what mean that I will doing now only this what I want. I will doing only this what I want and thinking only this what I want. I will do everything what I want. Another people aren't more powerful than I'm. It's the end now. The end. The end. Yes, it is history now. This is history of weakness. Dark and dirty history of weakness nothing more. This is the end. Bye.

Yesterday between 5 and 6 p.m I was walking along a 3 street. It was like always, mexican yells,KFC food, the sky orange and purple but there was also something else. There was a blood on the street . A blood under my legs. Anxiety was growing. Today spanish worker fixed my lamp in the kitchen so I feel better- More light, said Goethe. I'm looking for sunshine. I feel like listen Rossini. I need a motivation. I need a power. I want to be electric creature. Where I should go to f...

Ok, this isn' t a nice city. This isn't a nice mounth. This is a mounth of panic. This is a mounth of decay . I know it, but I'm keeping peace. I didn't have a sleep since a week. I didn't have a sleep during the night. I feel amazing in this town, I admire this city and I can't feel myself. I have lost myself between this low houses of this town, among this flat landscape, between my inexpressible new life. Between my inexpressible no-life. I can't find any difference between a dre...

I live in my apartment with my plant , and with stoled cactus. I stoled it from Malibu beach. It lives now in my tea-mug. My Brumelia and my cactus can live in the worst conditions. Ok, that is finish about my friends. Now about me. You know, this is awesome in US that I can borrow 50 books from library, in Europe 4 per mounth is a lot. So, I borrowed 6, Malte /Rilke/, "The Voyager" Robbe-Grillet, something of Kundera,...

I feel ghastly. I live in a dark room. I never have a day. In my room is always night. I didn't see the sun since 2 mounths. Since I live here. Today I met one person in elevator. It was a Indian man with a small, dirty dog. He wanted to make a acquaintance with me in spanish. I know that is meaningless, but later i couldn' t find my floor. I live on the first floor, first floor surrounded by Maxicans.

Yesterday I started to read Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge /Rilke/. First it caused my sleepiness (heavy, bizzare, short dream), and next fear and sleeplessness. It was fear of death. I coudn't stand lying in my dark room, my empty room with white walls, my claustrophobic room, I had to stood up and went somewhere. In this way arised Secret Literary Diary of Malte.